I've been struggling with how to start this blog post of 2012. I've been struggling with 2012 and a new start in general, because a new year can be such an excuse, in good ways and bad. I'm not detaching myself from my past but I am fully centered in the moment - which is neither here nor there - so I'm feeling like a transient being.. but don't all 15 year olds?
Today a good friend gave me a present. A big fat chunky 2012 diary with the strict instruction that it was 'to manage my busy life', which is one of the more heartfelt things anyone has ever done for me. Okay, I'm not saving the world each day, but I'm trying to deal with things in my little sphere of the world and make it better, which is a task that can get belittled almost every day. In my head, I've been thinking about why I think so much, but fritter away that depth of personality by being a complete and compassionately clumsy mess in person. I have sadnesses, which I don't tell people. No big, earth shattering secrets, just stuff that I could complain about but I choose not to. No one chooses misfortune, but everyone gets dealt it in some way or another. What you can choose is how you deal with it.
The 366 pages that are bound and printed in my hand aren't just a simple organiser, they're proof that someone has noticed that I've been going out of mind and wants to help. I don't require an exorcism of past demons or anything so dramatic but I need a lifeline in the sea of everyone being so over dramatic. I'm sure we all have a list of problems the length of our arms... so I don't think anyone person is more entitled to making their hurt superior to others. Of course, there are exceptions, but I am really sick of people being so narrow minded and inadvertently offensive. It's just rude.
What's really exciting is the amount of blank pages in this fresh new diary. I don't plan my future, I just direct myself at the moment into the best that I can be and trust that things will work out. Call me an idealist, I'll just smile and nod my head.
Happy New Year!